Wintergirls.

Yeah, I'm reading Wintergirls. Loving it so far, especially the words: who wants to recover? It took me years to get this tiny.

I'm doing fine I guess. Could be better. I really don't want to eat.
Here's what I'm scared of; is it true that u stop growing if ur ana for some time now? I'm 16 and I'm ana for about two years now, and I'm five foot six since I was 15, but everybody in my family is a lot taller than me. Is it ana's fault?? Or is it just the cigarettes? Or just me maybe.

// What you eat in private becomes what you wear in public. Cute clothes are made for skinny girls only. Food's not worth it. I don't like eating. I don't need eating. I will be perfect.
Stay strong. <3

posted from Bloggeroid

Craving thin. Getting thin. ?

I never cried as much as I did this week. I just can't cope with being this fat person anymore. IT'S NOT WHO I AM. It's really not.
I'm supposed to be the skinniest, the sophisticated, stylish one. You can't be gracious, sophisticated if ur fat.
I'm so done with complaining. It's strictly hard core planning and executing plans from now on.
I read about this girl from the UK who was walking for 12 h per day!
She would either go out or walk around her room or she would even do puzzles standing up do burn more calories. I think her name is Lauren Bailey, or something like that. She's recovered now but whatever.
There's also this girl Ksenija Bubenko from Russia, the skinniest girl in Russia and she was pronounced the prettiest skinny girl. She made up a diet called "Victory" but won't share a thing about it!

Guess we have to go get our own victory done?
stay strong<3

posted from Bloggeroid

Hating the scale.

This sucks. I can't get fucking anything right! I totally binged today because my friend -B. bought us our fav food from when we were roomies and so I had to fucking eat it and I hadn't stopped eating afterwards for a veery long time.

The best thing is I'm going to this party on saturday and I will probably see my ex there. Great. And the last time I saw him I had like at least 15lbs less. Crap, crap, crap!

Okay, can anyone tell me WHY is this hard? Or no, scratch that, why do other people try to ruin our plans? It's not like it's their fucking business or anything.

I swear a lot on here! I don't do it at all usually.

I just have to try harder, stick to my plans, be strong, have my mind set on who I wanna be, how I wanna look like...

The goal is worth it all.

"Just don't eat. Do nothing."

<3

posted from Bloggeroid

Thin, bony, cadaverous, twig-like, fragile

I'm so sorry, I haven't been here, AGAIN (I still wouldn't be if I hadn't figured out how to post from my cell. But I just couldn't. Because I did horrible. There was some stuff going on with my family, I was actually banned from using my laptop and I didn't stick with dieting for weeks... I didn't even weigh in cuz I was too scared. Until recently that is. I gained 10 fucking pounds, which is actually not as bad concidering how much I was eating.

Anyways, I... I'm back in order now, or trying to get back.

Summer's almost here, which means parties are back on, boys, booze, short skirts, bikinis, doing shit with best friends... And how the hell am I supposed to do all of that and enjoy it if all I think about is how fucking fat I am?!

There's this picture I can't upload that says: shorts to wear in 2 months. how will you look wearing them?

Decisions, decisions.

Well I decide to be thin! I choose it over food, over low self-esteeme, no confidence, shame and a disgusting body!!

I was on my way to lunch today and then I asked myself, what am I fat for? What for am I staying fat? And I went straight to my dorm room, where I am now.

It's a decision we have to make every day, several times.

Sometimes it's easier/harder. And you know how much I appreciate help, because we're all trying to be perfect and beautiful and ourselves actually.

It's not just about being skinny or pretty, it's about being both, being perfect and not a pound more. <3

Sorry if it's too long, I don't realize it on my cell. :P

lotsoflove:*

posted from Bloggeroid

Good girls don't swallow

Okay, I'm freaking out a bit now. Tommorow I'm gonna go have Christmas dinner with my whole family at my gramma's house. Dinner. I don't do dinner. I don't do spaghetti, steaks, lasagnas, meat loaf, cupcakes, chocolate cakes or whatever. I'm scared of failing.

Cuz I've been good these last two days (I've been home for only these 2 days, and I started extreme dieting.), yesterday my intake was 260 cals, and the only thing I had today was an apple (negative cals) and a sip of Coke. I don't wanna ruin that.

I lost 3 pounds so far! I have to keep going.

Sooo, what are you guys doing for Christmas? Any simmilar situations? Tips?

God, I'm gonna lose it.

I HAVE TO KEEP LOSING. I don't wanna go back to school staying the old fat, insecure me. I actually have a closet full of clothes I don't wear beause they're waiting for me to lose weight. When will I get to wear them?

I don't wanna do this anymore – worrying about every day, about what will happen tommorow. I wouldn't do that if I were just thin already. I don't wanna be this anymore. I want to be free. And all the fucking fat is standing on my fucking way.

So I have to get rid of it.

I will have to stay strong tommorow and I hope I will.

Stay strong loves. Tommorow is a big day.<3

It all ends today.

No more binging, craving, thinking about food, no more of that full feeling, or even more important of that gross I'm-a-fat-pig feeling.

School is over, I'm not on campus, I'm home. I live with my mom but she works a lot, so it's kinda like being alone.

I said to myself I have to lose weight during the holidays (even though most people get fatter, I fucking won't). I weigh 118 lbs. Holy fuck. And I was even fatter! About 125, 130 lbs. Gross. Well I wanna get to 100 lbs for starters. So it's 18 lbs in 3 weeks... Can it be done? Hell yeah. I will have to be really strong, but I think I can do it.

It would be such a great feeling when I come back to school and someone asks me if I have lost weight. *___* I live for that.

I cried a lot today. First because it was my best friend's birthday (I mentioned her couple blogs ago – B.) and she started crying because of  some stuff and then I cried with her cuz I'm winy don't judgeJ and I cried while leaving campus – winy :P

I also cried when I got home, but it was because I had these new pants on. Really tight, and I looked disgusting... I couldn't believe it, how gross it was!

I just think I deserve to look nice in tight jeans and bikinis...

Whatever. I'm gonna wear those jeans as much as I can so everytime I wanna eat hopefully I'll just look at myself and realize it's better not to.

Startovers are a cool thing. And I really needed one. Can't wait to feel empty.

Lots of love!

Hipbones, collarbones, cheekbones...

So I guess we all have good times and bad times. This has been a bad time for me... I blame finals. It's just very hard at school for me right now, and yesterday I slept for like 3 hours maybe... One more reason why school is going on my nerves lately - I keep fighting with this friend of mine, let's call her F.
I told her about my ed months ago when I thought I can trust her and that I got over it - kinda. Actually, idk what I was thinking. And the thing is that she's fat. Like really fat - the type of fat people who are always asking others if they have food, eating 24/7... Disgusting.

She has 0 confidence and I think she blames it all on me. Cuz I am skinnier than her (a lot) but wtf. And I think she has some mental problems, cuz believe me she acts like that. Always freaking out, crying... And I'm sick of it. I would help her if she let me, or if she wouldn't be such a jerk to me.
She told me I was sick but she really needs to get a good look at herself. Gross. Stupid fat bitch. People have no right telling us anything.

Anyways when I see her I just hope I will never be like that. I never was and no one in my family either so I don't think it's possible but still.

Being fat stops you from being you. It hides you, literally. And that is fucking awful. I think I'm fat. And I am (even though like 60lbs skinnier than F).

I can't wait for the time when my clothes are adherent to my bones, when there's no body fat to stop in their way and when I can wear anything and make it look good. I want to take "Lose weight" off my New Year's resolutions. At least some of it... I'm gonna be home alone for about 10 days before New Years and if I start controlling my self harder from now, I might even make it till then...?

I saw on someone's blog I can't remember whos - the 2468 diet. Day 1-200cals, day 2-400 cals, day 3-600 cals, day 4-800 cals, and then all over again. And I would threw in a couple days of fasting cuz thats when I feel I do my best.
But it's Christmas, holidays, I'm not sure how am I gonna make it...
So maybe if I had someone I can call or talk to when I feel like eating all the chocolate I got from my gramma in Italy, or when my mom makes my favourite on sundays. So does anyone wanna do the diet with me? If so, e-mail me (serenaana@windowslive.com) or comment, I would be really grateful.:)