Good girls don't swallow

Okay, I'm freaking out a bit now. Tommorow I'm gonna go have Christmas dinner with my whole family at my gramma's house. Dinner. I don't do dinner. I don't do spaghetti, steaks, lasagnas, meat loaf, cupcakes, chocolate cakes or whatever. I'm scared of failing.

Cuz I've been good these last two days (I've been home for only these 2 days, and I started extreme dieting.), yesterday my intake was 260 cals, and the only thing I had today was an apple (negative cals) and a sip of Coke. I don't wanna ruin that.

I lost 3 pounds so far! I have to keep going.

Sooo, what are you guys doing for Christmas? Any simmilar situations? Tips?

God, I'm gonna lose it.

I HAVE TO KEEP LOSING. I don't wanna go back to school staying the old fat, insecure me. I actually have a closet full of clothes I don't wear beause they're waiting for me to lose weight. When will I get to wear them?

I don't wanna do this anymore – worrying about every day, about what will happen tommorow. I wouldn't do that if I were just thin already. I don't wanna be this anymore. I want to be free. And all the fucking fat is standing on my fucking way.

So I have to get rid of it.

I will have to stay strong tommorow and I hope I will.

Stay strong loves. Tommorow is a big day.<3

It all ends today.

No more binging, craving, thinking about food, no more of that full feeling, or even more important of that gross I'm-a-fat-pig feeling.

School is over, I'm not on campus, I'm home. I live with my mom but she works a lot, so it's kinda like being alone.

I said to myself I have to lose weight during the holidays (even though most people get fatter, I fucking won't). I weigh 118 lbs. Holy fuck. And I was even fatter! About 125, 130 lbs. Gross. Well I wanna get to 100 lbs for starters. So it's 18 lbs in 3 weeks... Can it be done? Hell yeah. I will have to be really strong, but I think I can do it.

It would be such a great feeling when I come back to school and someone asks me if I have lost weight. *___* I live for that.

I cried a lot today. First because it was my best friend's birthday (I mentioned her couple blogs ago – B.) and she started crying because of  some stuff and then I cried with her cuz I'm winy don't judgeJ and I cried while leaving campus – winy :P

I also cried when I got home, but it was because I had these new pants on. Really tight, and I looked disgusting... I couldn't believe it, how gross it was!

I just think I deserve to look nice in tight jeans and bikinis...

Whatever. I'm gonna wear those jeans as much as I can so everytime I wanna eat hopefully I'll just look at myself and realize it's better not to.

Startovers are a cool thing. And I really needed one. Can't wait to feel empty.

Lots of love!

Hipbones, collarbones, cheekbones...

So I guess we all have good times and bad times. This has been a bad time for me... I blame finals. It's just very hard at school for me right now, and yesterday I slept for like 3 hours maybe... One more reason why school is going on my nerves lately - I keep fighting with this friend of mine, let's call her F.
I told her about my ed months ago when I thought I can trust her and that I got over it - kinda. Actually, idk what I was thinking. And the thing is that she's fat. Like really fat - the type of fat people who are always asking others if they have food, eating 24/7... Disgusting.

She has 0 confidence and I think she blames it all on me. Cuz I am skinnier than her (a lot) but wtf. And I think she has some mental problems, cuz believe me she acts like that. Always freaking out, crying... And I'm sick of it. I would help her if she let me, or if she wouldn't be such a jerk to me.
She told me I was sick but she really needs to get a good look at herself. Gross. Stupid fat bitch. People have no right telling us anything.

Anyways when I see her I just hope I will never be like that. I never was and no one in my family either so I don't think it's possible but still.

Being fat stops you from being you. It hides you, literally. And that is fucking awful. I think I'm fat. And I am (even though like 60lbs skinnier than F).

I can't wait for the time when my clothes are adherent to my bones, when there's no body fat to stop in their way and when I can wear anything and make it look good. I want to take "Lose weight" off my New Year's resolutions. At least some of it... I'm gonna be home alone for about 10 days before New Years and if I start controlling my self harder from now, I might even make it till then...?

I saw on someone's blog I can't remember whos - the 2468 diet. Day 1-200cals, day 2-400 cals, day 3-600 cals, day 4-800 cals, and then all over again. And I would threw in a couple days of fasting cuz thats when I feel I do my best.
But it's Christmas, holidays, I'm not sure how am I gonna make it...
So maybe if I had someone I can call or talk to when I feel like eating all the chocolate I got from my gramma in Italy, or when my mom makes my favourite on sundays. So does anyone wanna do the diet with me? If so, e-mail me (serenaana@windowslive.com) or comment, I would be really grateful.:)

CUTE CLOTHES ARE MADE FOR SKINNY GIRLS ONLY.

It's been a long time since I was here cuz school started and so instead of being online I'm just messing around.

But my goals brought me back. And the fact that I have no one to talk about this without calling me crazy. So, goals.

I wanted to lose like 10lbs before school – it was my starter goal, I was planning to lose 10 more after that. Anyways I failed. I didn't lose any lbs cause I seriously fucked up the last couple summer days. Attending parties a whole week before – and almost every day – before school made me very hungry. And very fat.

I did lose like 5 pounds during school (maybe it would be more but I have to eat at least a little when on campus, cuz how could I go to school all weak?). And then gained it back and now I'm just going circles.

I lose it during the week and then when I come home I just eat. And I really suck at eating, I never know when to stop. I'm either not eating or binging...
I hate it. I hate this. Can't I just be happy? All the time I've wasted, I could've already reached my goal hudreds of times!
I ate today. A lot. I'm not sure how to feel rite now.

I'm just so scared. I realised – I don't wanna be fat in 2012. I don't wanna worry about the way this or that shirt fits me. I wanna go out with friends and feel great all the time, not worry about how fat do I look. I wanna finally be thinner than my bestfriend. I wanna succeed. I mean, how hard can it actually be?...