Good girls don't swallow

Okay, I'm freaking out a bit now. Tommorow I'm gonna go have Christmas dinner with my whole family at my gramma's house. Dinner. I don't do dinner. I don't do spaghetti, steaks, lasagnas, meat loaf, cupcakes, chocolate cakes or whatever. I'm scared of failing.

Cuz I've been good these last two days (I've been home for only these 2 days, and I started extreme dieting.), yesterday my intake was 260 cals, and the only thing I had today was an apple (negative cals) and a sip of Coke. I don't wanna ruin that.

I lost 3 pounds so far! I have to keep going.

Sooo, what are you guys doing for Christmas? Any simmilar situations? Tips?

God, I'm gonna lose it.

I HAVE TO KEEP LOSING. I don't wanna go back to school staying the old fat, insecure me. I actually have a closet full of clothes I don't wear beause they're waiting for me to lose weight. When will I get to wear them?

I don't wanna do this anymore – worrying about every day, about what will happen tommorow. I wouldn't do that if I were just thin already. I don't wanna be this anymore. I want to be free. And all the fucking fat is standing on my fucking way.

So I have to get rid of it.

I will have to stay strong tommorow and I hope I will.

Stay strong loves. Tommorow is a big day.<3

It all ends today.

No more binging, craving, thinking about food, no more of that full feeling, or even more important of that gross I'm-a-fat-pig feeling.

School is over, I'm not on campus, I'm home. I live with my mom but she works a lot, so it's kinda like being alone.

I said to myself I have to lose weight during the holidays (even though most people get fatter, I fucking won't). I weigh 118 lbs. Holy fuck. And I was even fatter! About 125, 130 lbs. Gross. Well I wanna get to 100 lbs for starters. So it's 18 lbs in 3 weeks... Can it be done? Hell yeah. I will have to be really strong, but I think I can do it.

It would be such a great feeling when I come back to school and someone asks me if I have lost weight. *___* I live for that.

I cried a lot today. First because it was my best friend's birthday (I mentioned her couple blogs ago – B.) and she started crying because of  some stuff and then I cried with her cuz I'm winy don't judgeJ and I cried while leaving campus – winy :P

I also cried when I got home, but it was because I had these new pants on. Really tight, and I looked disgusting... I couldn't believe it, how gross it was!

I just think I deserve to look nice in tight jeans and bikinis...

Whatever. I'm gonna wear those jeans as much as I can so everytime I wanna eat hopefully I'll just look at myself and realize it's better not to.

Startovers are a cool thing. And I really needed one. Can't wait to feel empty.

Lots of love!

Hipbones, collarbones, cheekbones...

So I guess we all have good times and bad times. This has been a bad time for me... I blame finals. It's just very hard at school for me right now, and yesterday I slept for like 3 hours maybe... One more reason why school is going on my nerves lately - I keep fighting with this friend of mine, let's call her F.
I told her about my ed months ago when I thought I can trust her and that I got over it - kinda. Actually, idk what I was thinking. And the thing is that she's fat. Like really fat - the type of fat people who are always asking others if they have food, eating 24/7... Disgusting.

She has 0 confidence and I think she blames it all on me. Cuz I am skinnier than her (a lot) but wtf. And I think she has some mental problems, cuz believe me she acts like that. Always freaking out, crying... And I'm sick of it. I would help her if she let me, or if she wouldn't be such a jerk to me.
She told me I was sick but she really needs to get a good look at herself. Gross. Stupid fat bitch. People have no right telling us anything.

Anyways when I see her I just hope I will never be like that. I never was and no one in my family either so I don't think it's possible but still.

Being fat stops you from being you. It hides you, literally. And that is fucking awful. I think I'm fat. And I am (even though like 60lbs skinnier than F).

I can't wait for the time when my clothes are adherent to my bones, when there's no body fat to stop in their way and when I can wear anything and make it look good. I want to take "Lose weight" off my New Year's resolutions. At least some of it... I'm gonna be home alone for about 10 days before New Years and if I start controlling my self harder from now, I might even make it till then...?

I saw on someone's blog I can't remember whos - the 2468 diet. Day 1-200cals, day 2-400 cals, day 3-600 cals, day 4-800 cals, and then all over again. And I would threw in a couple days of fasting cuz thats when I feel I do my best.
But it's Christmas, holidays, I'm not sure how am I gonna make it...
So maybe if I had someone I can call or talk to when I feel like eating all the chocolate I got from my gramma in Italy, or when my mom makes my favourite on sundays. So does anyone wanna do the diet with me? If so, e-mail me (serenaana@windowslive.com) or comment, I would be really grateful.:)

CUTE CLOTHES ARE MADE FOR SKINNY GIRLS ONLY.

It's been a long time since I was here cuz school started and so instead of being online I'm just messing around.

But my goals brought me back. And the fact that I have no one to talk about this without calling me crazy. So, goals.

I wanted to lose like 10lbs before school – it was my starter goal, I was planning to lose 10 more after that. Anyways I failed. I didn't lose any lbs cause I seriously fucked up the last couple summer days. Attending parties a whole week before – and almost every day – before school made me very hungry. And very fat.

I did lose like 5 pounds during school (maybe it would be more but I have to eat at least a little when on campus, cuz how could I go to school all weak?). And then gained it back and now I'm just going circles.

I lose it during the week and then when I come home I just eat. And I really suck at eating, I never know when to stop. I'm either not eating or binging...
I hate it. I hate this. Can't I just be happy? All the time I've wasted, I could've already reached my goal hudreds of times!
I ate today. A lot. I'm not sure how to feel rite now.

I'm just so scared. I realised – I don't wanna be fat in 2012. I don't wanna worry about the way this or that shirt fits me. I wanna go out with friends and feel great all the time, not worry about how fat do I look. I wanna finally be thinner than my bestfriend. I wanna succeed. I mean, how hard can it actually be?...

Do I wanna PURGE? (what to do when u binge?)

Yes. Yes. Yes!
I binged like never before! Like I haven't eaten in years! I'm so ashamed of myself right now...
Yesterday shortly after my mom got home, she made lunch and I said I wasn't  hungry. Which I wasn't and I didn't eat anything! But... a couple hours after that I had some cookies. And then I had pasta (-what my mom made for lunch) and then I had two and a half sandwiches (!!) and then I had a huge, ridiculous amount of ice-cream with oreos on it!! Thank god I stopped there. The nausea stopped me. I can't believe it. And I was doing so well! Those stupid cookies! If I hadn't started eating those none of this would have happened. I guess it was just that I tasted food, real food after a while and I just couldn't get enough.

I tried purging. Unfortunately I'm one of those people who just can't do it... But this time I tried like hell, I drank A LOT of water before and I was just so full that I succeeded. Though I'm not sure I got it all out, cause the 'being full feeling' hasn't completely gone away. Is it supposed to? Idk, this is my first time I actually got this much out of me.
It's not fun. Binging's not fun, purging's not fun. After binging I felt like I was gonna explode and I was so sick... and I felt sick even more after I drank all that water to make purging easier. While I was trying to purge I felt even worse. It was hard for me, but then when I did it I felt a little better. 'Cleaner', I guess. Although I would've been a lot more 'cleaner' if I continued fasting - even if it is fruit fasting. I was crying so hard. I just could not believe I just did that. I didn't weigh, I didn't look myself at the mirror. I just couldn't.

And what now? What do you do when you binge? When you FAIL? Do you continue counting the days and count this one as a bad one, or do you start over?

I'm gonna start over. I've got three more weeks and I'm gonna get the best outta them. At least now food disgusts me. And maybe I'll remember this feeling whenever I feel like binging... Maybe this turns out to be helpful. We've all gotta make mistakes, right?

Be strong everyone, we can do it. And we sure as hell will. <3

pics today:)

 I like this, 'you're too good to put that in your body'. We are.

I'm really into quotes. I think it maybe helps me more than pics. I have them on my cell for whenever I feel weak and I just go through them all and it's working for me. Try it:)

I'm doing well today, feeling proud of myself and that beats any binging:)

Meeting Ana

Hi everyone, I was just going through blogs, looking if anyone is at the same place as me and I didn't find much. So I decided to my make own blog. If it's visited - great then, if not - great again, at least I'll still have somewhere to write about what's going on. 

I am ana. Or trying to be. But begginings are the hardest, right? I am succesfully not eating anything for days now. I would say weeks, but I used to eat fruit every time I would get too close to eating real foor or even binging. It's just to see how far can I go.

What about you? Succesful or not so much?

For now I wanna lose at least 10 pounds, and it has to be before the 5th of September.

Tips: 

• Water. Nice, refreshening, calorie-free water.

• Have something in your kitchen that's healthy, low on calories for emergency times, so you don't binge. Better yet, don't have food in your house (I'm not saying really no food, apples, bananas, cornflakes-can be used as a supstitute for chips when ur watching tv.) 
• Don't binge, don't purge(unless u binge). Throwing up is gonna hurt your stomach, throat and your teeth are gonna get gross with time.

• Get ana quotes, pictures. Keep yourself together. Be healthy and think thin. One day u will live it. <3